What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 06:05
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
All the time i was locked up.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So, i spoilt her more .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Comes on , in middle age.
Can you share 100 facts about yourself?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was 9 years of age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why do humans sweat while stressed?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What is the gayest experience you have seen in prison?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I said to her
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were not on the streets..
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(And it was in our own minds.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I waited trembling.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My family never makes their pension either.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What did i know ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We all went to grammer schools
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I will be 64.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it wasn’t much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Would this be the day?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ive learnt so much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i lived it daily.
She married twice! .
Who then, do I blame.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When she asked me how she looked .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I don,t even have a pension.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was in good health!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He knew the spot.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)